6:30pm: Entertain your child with the contents of the tupperware drawer as you switch out those yoga pants for a dress and heels.
6:45pm: Put on eyeliner for the first time in longer than you care to admit.
7pm: Hand your child to the sitter as you walk out the door. Resist the urge to run.
7:15pm: Enjoy a pair of crisp gin and tonics as you compliment one another on looking so fly.
7:30pm: A waiter seats you for dinner — and it’s not in your living room, and it’s not on your couch, and it’s not leftovers.
8pm: Boldly accept the suggestion of an overpriced bottle of red, because this is the one bottle all year that you haven’t bought at Harris Teeter.
8:45pm: Regale one another with memories of previous nights out. Reassure one another that you’ve still got it.
9:15pm: After-dinner liqueurs? Don’t mind if you do!
9:30pm: This midlife suburban crowd just isn’t cutting it. Remember that cool place you went to that one time, three years ago?
9:40pm: Applaud yourself for responsibly checking in with the sitter on your way uptown.
10pm: High-five the bouncer as he laughingly waves you in.
10:01pm: Realize you are the only ones there.
10:02pm: Undeterred, check in on social media so the world knows you mean business.
10:03pm: Convince your partner that a shot is the best idea that either of you have ever had.
10:05pm: Reenact the closing scene of Dirty Dancing, on an empty dance floor, to a Drake song you have never heard. Extra points for the lift.
10:30pm: Hover over your phone, nostalgically scrolling through images of your child since birth.
10:40pm: Back in the cab, negotiate shrewdly as to who pays the sitter.
11pm: Hand over an indiscriminate wad of cash as your partner slouches anonymously down the hall.
6:30am: A bleating child and pounding head serve as painful reminders of how far you have come, and how far you have yet to go.